My life just isn't quite what I pictured it being. Now please don't take that wrong. I know plenty of three year old little boys that won't end up becoming firemen. I think all little girls dream of being a ballerina and yet few actually come through later on. I understand that life lessons change life ambitions and often mold us into someone completely different then we ever imagined we could or would become. I have had my share of life lessons and still look forward to the experiences that are ahead. I have some regrets and some disappointments. I also have great milestones and have celebrated some big accomplishments. But who am I because of it?
Am i simply made up of my experiences? I want to believe that I am so much more then "what I've done". If however I am just my journey then can i pick which part I want to be? Can I be an adventurous 17 year old, hitch-hiking through another state, or maybe an 18 year old, who would dance on her tip-toes in public. Maybe I could experience the rain on my neck and bare feet on the streets of salt lake just one more time. I can think of so many beautiful times that could definitely be relived at least one more time. Perhaps a much needed sunset in Moab would refresh my senses or even as simple as a lunch at the bottom of big cottonwood canyon with a girl friend. Sometimes even a ride with the top down can bring me back.
Even though this all sound good, what about the not so inspirational moments? If I'm going to relive the good, am I also required to be all the other. Do I need to return to the confusion of coming into ones self and discovering the world through adolescent eyes and emotion. Would I be required to remember the heartache that came with being a young single mother, having to go against myself and my heart for years. Becoming a part of a world that I never imagined being in and having it become a part of me. I may be able to celebrate overcoming addiction but again do I need to remember why I had to fight that battle originally. Do I put away my nine inch heals for good or keep them at the back of the closet so i can slip them on every once in a while when no one is looking..... What's in your closet?
I have a million amazing memories that i hold dear. I have several heartaches that still hold me. I think that the combination of all is what molds me into what one sees when they stare into my eyes. I just hope that I still shine. I would pray that the bad hasn't tainted my shimmer. I may not put glitter on as a part of my outfit every day (anymore) but just wait until I step into the sun. If you look close enough you might still see some shiny residue. My sassy shoes have been traded in for sandals and my extensions have been long lost. I no longer have patchwork pants or smell incense when I walk into my home but I still tap my fingers and toes to some very good music. I still love with all I have and would help any body who would allow me to. I still close my eyes when the rain comes in and breath deeply in the smell that hits right before the storm.
I still look through my old art that I drew while sitting on the stairs of that tiny little basement apartment in salt lake, by liberty park. I also add to my art whenever I have the opportunity. My life may have taken me here and there, it may bring me back to familiar grounds again, but I am still me. I can still light a candle or sit in the warmth of the night and smile in knowing that I am definitely still in here. I may have to keep parts of myself under wraps while in mixed company but if you know me.... just wait because you will see glimpses every once in a while. Or if you are lucky I could burst out of my shell right before your eyes. So hey, keep at least one pair of ridiculously high heels in the back of your closet..... You never know when you might need to slip them on and lay in a bubble bath laughing!!!