So much on my mind, so much weighing in on my heart, so much to say and yet no words pass through my lips. A deep sigh completely drains my chest and I almost need to remind myself to breath back in. My heart filling with such a loneliness and yet I am completely surrounded by friendly faces.
Where am I... I am physically here and yet feel a million miles away, completely disconnected from the world around me as it spins on it's normal and natural way.I find that I am unable to express all that is going on inside of my heart and mind, for I don't completely understand it myself. So to try to get another to understand is near impossible. I try to reach out and fall short of making an actual connection.
Perhaps taking the time to open up through artistic expression could help. Do I paint, draw, dance, or maybe sing into the silence of the night? If I break through the barriers that are holding my voice at bay, will my words fall upon deaf ears? I feel lost within the confines of my own mind. Am I looking forward or am I looking back? Am I really lost or am I in denial to my true feelings and passions? What is it that is holding me in this space, keeping me a prisoner unable to move forward past this moment? If I make a conscious decision to proceed without recognizing that which is holding me hostage, will I ever truly be freed of this feeling?
Have you ever had one of those dreams, where you are watching the moment as if you are watching a movie. You can see the disconnection between what is happening and yourself, realizing that you are just observing not participating. This is where I am at the moment. I see myself going through the motions, doing my daily norms. I see myself awaken with the sun, even when my spirit has yet to stretch and join me...What is going on? I feel like I'm falling apart and no-one can see it, because I am very good at keeping my heart out of sight when it is damaged or broken. Am I broken?
I feel lost in plain sight. As if I am embarking on the finish line in the biggest marathon known to date, and yet as I approach this huge climatic moment, I begin to look around. There is no crowd cheering. I'm not wearing a number upon my breast and the streets are empty. I spin in the silence of confusion trying to come to grips with what is happening. I had such an expectation and am forced in a single moment to accept that this was a false expectation and in reality I am standing alone in the night at an empty crosswalk. No marathon, no crowd, no sweat on my brow...just me and the warmth of the night. Am I really alone here, or are there others feeling as emotionally abandoned as I feel... Is there anyone else feeling secluded in a crowded room, staying an inactive participant in their own life... where do I go now....how do I get back to me? Am I really lost?
As I sit here in silence listening to my heart cry out, I hope that I am able to find a safe place to express my emotions. A haven without judgement, where passion is understood and never shunned. A place where expression is excepted in it's raw and pure form without a need for editing. Where my barriers may be dropped without concern for misunderstanding. I want to cry out in passion and share all of my confusion out loud. I don't want to have to make sense of it all, I just want to sing my heart out in gibberish and have it understood because of a feeling that is completely unaffected by the barriers of language. I want someone to fix that which isn't yet broken before I shatter....